While we’re on the topic….

Right after I graduated High School I took a job as a receptionist at a health club chain, for this story we’ll call it Sally Yodel Witness. It was an average Saturday morning, I was sitting at the front desk flipping through a magazine, swiping the occasional member’s card and answering the phones. The only other employee was the General Manager, a giant body builder who we’ll call Armand (his real name is pretty much like that anyway). So I’m sitting there and this little Asian woman walks up to the desk and the conversation goes like this:

AW (Asian Woman): Ma’am
Krit: Hi
AW: They’s a problem. In the women’s locker.
Krit: Should I come take a look? What’s wrong?
AW: They’s poo.
Krit? There’s what?
AW: Poo. In the stall.
Krit. ….
Aw: Someone went poo. I show you.
Krit. ….
AW. Poo. I show you.

Sure enough, there it was. In the changing stall, not even the *bathroom* - a little spiral pile of poop. What the fuck do you do with something like that? Well… you call Armand. And as big as that man was, apparently poo is his Krptonite because as soon as he saw it, he about passed out. He had to go down to the basement and find the SNOW SHOVEL to deal with it. In the meantime, we closed the stall, but up caution tape and poured some kind of powder all over it, because, I don’t know, it made us feel safer.

So we get it all cleaned up, wash our exposed parts with scalding water and antibacterial soap and call all our friends to tell them the story. Just when we think it’s over, another woman walks up to the front desk.

OW (other woman): You have a problem in the locker room.
Krit: I know, we’ve taken care of it.
OW: No, you haven’t. There’s something in the stall.
Krit: I know, it’s been cleaned up.
OW: No.. the other changing stall.
Krit: You have GOT to be joking.

No joke. The very next stall. Another perfect little effing pile. I don’t remember how we cleaned that one up because we’d already thrown away the snow shovel and gone thru all the bleach.

The next week I went to work and Armand bought a fake rubber poop and put it in the bathroom floor and told me the phantom duker had struck again. We told that story for years.