I’ve been tanning for the past month because the dress I’m wearing in my friend’s wedding is lilac-ish, and I wanted to have a little color. This post is about how much I loath the tanning salon I’ve been going to. LOATH.

I’ve been to quite a few tanning salons in my days, not something one likes to brag about in the age of sunscreen and melanoma, but it’s a fact, and there are several things I’ve come to expect. Decent prices for unlimited tanning, clean facilities, mature staff (harder than you’d think, most of them just there for the free tanning perks), a convenient location and long hours. Unfortunately, the one I chose only had two of these these things, and they were the last two.

My first conversation w/ the girl at the front desk went something like this:

Girl: What’s your last name
Krit: No, I’m not a member yet. Can you give me information on your rates?
Girl: Oh. Well. They’re different. What plan do you want?
Krit: I don’t know. What do you have?
Girl: Well. This is our Gold Plan, it uses the (whatever) beds and has 200 points. This is our Silver Plan, it’s the same, but has less points. The other use the lower beds.
Krit: Is a “point” a “minute”?
Girl: I never really thought about it. (Gets out calculator, furrows brow.) It’s more like 5 minutes? I guess.
Krit: Basically, I need to tan for one month. What plan would be best?
Girl: (gets out calculator, furrows more brow). This one, probably. $39 start up fee, $45/month. And it’s unlimited.
Krit: Ouch, that’s a lot for one month.
Girl: I can waive the startup fee by $10. You’ll get 200 points.
Krit: That helps. But you said it’s umlimted, but then you said I get 200 points, so which one is it?
Girl: Well, you can tan as much as you want.
Krit: …
Girl: …
Krit: Whatever. I’ll do that one then.
Girl: Ok, which bed do you want to try today? I recommend this bed. It will take 15 points off your plan.
Krit: I hate you.
Girl: What?
Krit: I said that’s fine.